CHAPTER FOUR: EXPERIENCING HEARTBREAK

"Virginia" and "Brian"

Journal Entry—August 8, 1996
The ringing of the telephone awoke me. “I’m calling to let you know that Brian passed away around one o’clock this morning.”

“Mom, I’m having open heart surgery tomorrow morning, and I was wondering... ” Those words will forever haunt me.

Hot, sorrowful tears flood my eyes, while guilt and regret are constant companions. My heart aches as though ripped from my chest, leaving an empty cavity. His untimely death was just too difficult to take, and the void consumes me. Why didn’t I follow my heart's desire and visit him—one last time?

He'll be okay; he has always pulled through in the past; he'll do it again, I told myself. Brian had his life ahead of him but fate, or bad luck, snatched it from him at an early age.

With his charisma, Brian won the hearts of many individuals. His talent as a poet, singer, musician, and songwriter was truly unique. I told him, “God has great plans for you and will use you in a powerful way, if you let Him.” Brian was a special individual in my life and had been for fourteen years.

From his early beginning, he had disappointments in his life—the death of his mother when he was six years old, having the large family put in different homes, and a broken marriage. All of this weighed heavily upon his heart.

The ride was rugged, except for about two years prior his death. Things were looking up, and he was getting his life straight. However, terrible disappointment swept over him and a feeling of despair consumed him. He lost all hope.

Money being scarce for Brian, I gladly accepted his collect phone calls. Each letter I received brought a twinge to my heart and a smile on my face. Listen to his heart in the following portions of his precious letters from 1994 and 1995.

Hello Mother Dearest:

I hope this letter finds you feeling better than you were when you wrote me. …I hope this letter reaches the destination of a lady with a smile on her face and peace in her heart.

I’m trying my best to take it slow, and let God do with me what He wants. I sure wish I could always have an attitude like this. I guess I can if I stay on my knees and take one day at a time.

I carry a card in my wallet that says ‘God will not put anything on me that He and I together can’t handle.’ I’m becoming a firm believer of this.

Hi Mom:

Just a few lines to say hello and let you know God is blessing. I have three or four side jobs; I should have a car by next weekend.

Good Mornin’ Mom:

As you would say, God woke me up again bright and early this morning. I was glad when you told me that, because now when I get up each day, one of the first thoughts that cross my mind is, what does the Lord want me to know this morning?

Hello Mother:

This is another of those four o’clock in the morning letters! …I want you to know that I need moral support, love, and prayers. You will always play a big role in my life and I love and appreciate you for that.

Mornin’ Mom:

…I hope you had a nice Easter. I spent mine back up in the Smoky Mountains…My band played at two churches that were so far back in the mountains you had to pump sunshine in. But you know what; God’s Spirit, power, and blessings are back there in those mountains too…. And, Mom, you ain’t heard nuttin’ until you’ve heard the echo’s through the mountains of a bunch of full-blooded Cherokee Indians singin’ and praisin’ God.

I didn’t give birth to Brian. However, our friendship was unique; I loved him as a son, and he thought of me as Mom. I wish I’d visited him in the hospital or even tried harder to remain in touch.

I remember telling his only child that he was to have heart surgery. Burned into my memory is the look on that angelic face and hearing these words—“Will he die?”

Journal Entry—1996
The guilt and heartbreak I experience are too much. I go to my heavenly father. I gain comfort knowing that at any time I can crawl upon his lap and lean against his chest. He cares for me. He heals my afflictions and he listens to my grievances—like a good father.

I picture myself as a little child, dressed in a white-laced dress. I run to Daddy. He stoops down, picks me up, and I put my arms around his neck. I give him a hug, kissing him on his sun-kissed cheek. I have no fears...only trust in…and love for—Daddy.

I’m thankful for the support from friends and family, especially from my mother, Virginia. She was there in our time of sorrow and mourned with us. She, too, was captivated by his charm and delighted in his musical talent.

Brian’s life was brief, and he faced difficulties. Nevertheless, I am certain he is singing in the heavenly choir and picking his guitar, while I am earthbound—experiencing heartbreak.

~Vada